My life, the best Jigsaw puzzle you could imagine
My apology for not using Tumblr must sound rather hollow and warn out, but here it goes again. I’m sorry for not using my tumblr, I have been everywhere and I don’t have a lot of Internet access anymore.
So I will quickly catch you up, then plan what I will post on here, to make up for my loss and non-social habits of late.
I moved states, due to the fact my father and step mum’s relationship collapsed and it got very nasty, to the point where I am not sure it is possible for me to return to my old town without being confronted and possibly put in hospital.
My father, as of last month suffered a massive heart attack that has killed most of his heart muscle and one of the main blood vessels leading into the heart. The vessel has narrowed by 80% and he is now walking time bomb for his heart to die. It is no longer a case of if; it is only a case of when. While in hospital, the doctors accidently discovered that my father also suffers from Diabetes. Which if anyone is a smart cookie, is worsened by a heart problem or condition because treatments are limited.
Basically, if my father was to go into a diabetic fit or coma, we will be unable to bring him back, because the drugs used to do so will destroy what is left of his heart. Vice-versa, if he has a heart attack, we can’t bring him back as the drugs used will affect his diabetes to the point where he will go into the above.
At some stage, my father will have to go for major heart surgery in another state, however the chances of him surviving that, are at this stage highly unlikely. His heart has suffered too much damage and thus as a result, it may not be able to be revived once the operation is complete. (They must stop the heart in order to operate, after they are done, they shock the heart to start it again).
For the week he was in hospital, I had to run my fathers life. Not only did I have to run it, but also if the doctors needed a decision to be made, I was the one that had to make it and that was the same across all areas of my father’s life.
If they operate on my father and he is left in a coma or he does pass away on the operating table, I will be the first notified in order to make decision concerning whether he should live (in the case of the first option) or make arrangements to have him buried.
So as you could imagine, that was a lot to take in, and it must be remember at the same time I was still running my life.
I received a letter from the University I am attending but deferred in, saying I was to fail unless I started participating in classes. This was a shock, considering I had applied and was successful in having my course deferred for 12months. I emailed and spoke to as many departments as was humanly possible but it got me know where and I was left with a 50% course fail. After 3 months I finally received a letter saying they had reversed their decision as they were in error and that I am again deferred.
Because of that, I now have to be in Melbourne in September in order to start the University process and begin my university life. That is not so much of a trouble, but after everything that has happened with my father, I am rather reserved about going. I know I will have a great time down there, It will be a 4 hour flight however, if something goes wrong with him, and 4 hours is a long time.
To finish off my wonderful puzzle piece, I lost someone who I thought was a good friend, and I ponder about my decision tirelessly. He was a close friend, who has been with me through a lot of hard times. He was finally doing well for himself, he had a job and a somewhat stable life compared to what it used to be. For some reason, he started to become self-destructive. His behavior changed and he slowly began the descent back into hard-core gateway drugs. Instead of getting support from his work colleges, they all joined in, only encouraging him to continue with the belief what he was doing was right, because everyone else was and overshadowing my words of warning and opposite support do something better with his life than that.
Finally it all came to a point. He had decided due to a large bonus from work, that he was going to go and holiday in another state for a couple of weeks and instead of seeing the sights, was going to go on a major acid trip. By this stage, I was already considering the fact that no matter what I said, he wasn’t going to stop and rather then get dragged into this, I needed to get out before it was too late. I understand that was somewhat of a selfish mood, but what he said only confirmed that I needed to do it.
In a last attempt, due to our history, I pleaded with him to stop and think. Especially due to the fact if he got caught he would be facing criminal charges because he is 18 now. The response I got from him, made it crystal clear what I had to do. I was told not to talk to him while he is on this “holiday” as I will make him think about that and thus spoil his “fun”.
Instead of arguing the point, I told him to have a good holiday and then deleted him from everything I know and tried to forget the level of immaturity I had just heard from such a bright and inspirational person.
I can’t change what will happen, what has happened but I will of course be there to pick up the pieces if the world falls apart on him and he has no one else to turn to.
So that has been my life lately. I have often told myself that if I was to ever write it down it would be a massive novel that I am sure would sell well or if I pitched it in a script version to a network, it would become the fastest watched drama show of all time. But alas, I am not that egotistical and I don’t think I could ever sell my soul like that and exploit everything I have ever stood up for or done.
I hope this somewhat makes up for the lack of posting, I have made it a goal to most more on Tumblr and I will see that achieved. I also stress the point that I am NOT looking for SYMPATHY, I am just giving you an insight into my life to show you what I deal with.
